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Troches, Pilules, Bolus…

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Juvenile Snowy Inkcap

Take as many as you like,
Have as many as you like,
Ask for as many as you like,
Everflowing, neverceasing pharma.

Overloaded, overworked, underfunded, underappreciated, undervalued.
Psychotherapy no no no…take these,
they won’t help but they will keep you busy until…Mind busy, emotion busy, confused busy, confused, busy mind.

Nobody, no Doctor, no Community Psychiatric Nurse, no Psychiatrist
are in any doubt I need help, need psychological help.
Yet there is no space for me.
Change those meds again, keeps me busy until space.

I can get everything I like  prescribed to me for all sorts of minor ailments,
Let me list the many I have had:shampoo, five steroid creams, three moisturisers, nail treatment, anti-heartburn, aspirin, statins, three other creams, eyedrops, eardrops,
pills for side effects of other pills, anaesthetic & steroid injections.
The list goes on and so…does the money, seemingly unchecked to pay for these prescriptions, whatever I like, pharma companies will charge the cash-strapped NHS for all my requests, doctors give with abandon.
Yet there is no funds for psychotherapy, which makes no company profit yet gets results in less time it takes for pills have any therapeutic affect, and perhaps never will.

I’m now on my fourth different pill for my depression in under three months, I’ve been  on pills since February, none do me any good, I suspect they have made things worse. I cannot tell what is illness, what are the pills effects, what are side effects, what are counter effects, what are bad reactions. I cannot tell if my illness persists or is it the pills persisting the effects…the edges of both are now so blurred no corrective insight can see clearly.

The black dog, Fenrir, the name I give my depression. Fenrir is now both the illness and the supposed cure.
Fenrir likes SSRI’s, they prolong and never cure, they hide without ever ceasing, just a coping mechanism as bad as alcohol.
Fenrir likes those pills for he can dance all day and all night, snarling the tune, laughing and mocking me.
He, they, me…are my friend and my enemy all the same.

Just another day closer…

 

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